Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Inner Reflections


Inner Reflections

“We are what we think.
All that we are, arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make our world.” ~ Buddha

To voice that which words can never truly express is challenging indeed. However, I am about to undertake this endeavour, simply because these feelings exist. Thus here begins an attempt to voice my inner reflections…

Nights have besieged days as the sun no longer brings with it warmth or renewal of will but just the inevitable passage of time. A passage indeed not riddled with fantasy or hope but one to be endured with a patient heart...yearning; the air is stifling. Closing in are the perimeters as the limits manifest themselves more distinctly. Not for the faint of heart I surmise as I can feel my chest tightening; a burden too deep to heal. Now upon the doors of hope I await. I knock, there is no answer and in the interim between the passing shifts of anxiety I sincerely hope, that hope shall finally answer and allow my entry into its fortified castle.
A feeling so invasive it transcends all emotion, every living fibre of my being, rapidly infecting…irreversibly infecting. Life carries on, in its constant winding of undertaking tasks at hand or those that seem the most demanding of attention. In the existential routine of day to day, preoccupation camouflages the obvious. Its ability to intoxicate; focussing one’s energy on frivolity as there comes with it no heavy price that demands payment from the intellect. A battle of the conscience seemingly never ends but if willed it can become as passive as breathing or dreaming… a superficial talent to disguise the depth of logic and reason.
I begin to feel light-headed in the frenzy to inhale nourishment of the mind; still there is no peace to find. An outward artist masks the inner slave, and no one is the wiser. I breathe in deeper and for longer periods yet my heart remains deprived and my chest is tightening all the more. As I listen closely I can hear the beast at work; constantly gnawing, nibbling, clawing it’s way deeper into the thresholds of my sanity. With an abated breath I have spent these days that no longer seem recent but now gradually transforming into lifestyle. When will I breathe again? A sports addict is held captive to the emotion of the last minutes of the game in dying support for their team of choice, right down to the final whistle; time goes on minute after minute in which I spend in similar deliberation.
I seek comfort in all its forms not due to materialistic need but due to spiritual demand. In the smile of an innocent without question and expectance it is simply given yet it becomes the centre of my universe; the revolution of my world. I feed hungrily and unsparingly on anything deemed positive or made out to be so in my clairvoyant eyes. Though this may seem a mental delirium that may pass with the effect of time I cannot agree to such as it would suggest I am in a state of illusion to which is the opposite of my reality; indeed it is because I see and accept things for what they truly are that has caused me all this mental endowment, that has come with its price of restlessness. It is this morbid sense of reality that plagues my sense of being. A tragedy of fates it seems that I may continue to be consumed with disenchantment and the veil of sight is forever lifted.
Everyday, institutions regulate new sets of laws and derivatives that are flawed only because they are swayed by the sensations of man’s imperfection of conscience. I cannot extract any freedom from an enslaved intellect but I will engage in discourse to exact this freedom. For on my own I attest my faults are too apparent and my intellect too limited to conjure a definite resolve. I am but a slave to emotion that is abundantly overwhelming and pours over into my existence. If sensation conceives perception I cannot argue that my perceptions are any different but in isolation it is not for my mental capacity is seldom unused. I seek an agreeable end to this mental suffering and a continuation of inward growth and spiritual freedom. The epitome of my turmoil still gnaws away. Distinguishing need from want is natural to this disposition and as much as it wrecks havoc on inward solace, it reveals that which feeds my intellectual freedom and personal contentment; therein lies my 'chateau des fleurs'. Signed here by yours truly and faithfully, my conscience…

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“He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave” ~ William Drummond

Blogging with purpose,
Mariamlelue

3 comments:

  1. Le-Ann this is so beautifully written ! mashAllah. my comments are hardly adequate after that :)

    These thoughts/words are truly a sign of the mind at work! Our minds are a blessing and a burden all at once. I think we all feel that restlessness, that need for intellectual stimulation. At times it is overwhelming and difficult to pasify. I admit there have been moments I've been envious of my cat ( and all animals for that matter). They cant help but live a life of peace solely for the reason they cant help but worship the most high in every breathe and action. We humans have been given a grave responsibilty = the power of choice, of reason. but we've also been perscribed the tools to live up to that responsibilty :) Alhamdullilah, life can be peaceful when we use the tools correctly!

    Keep sharing your beautiful thoughts Lele! your mind is not something to be hoarded to urself :) lol

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  2. Awww thank you ...what can I possibly say!
    JazakAllah khair for all your support
    Thank you a million times and I know it still won't be enough.
    may Allah bless you for it ameen
    ...exactly :) all that you said I totally agree with.
    awww I will try my dear...inshaAllah I won't disappoint.
    You've put importance on my small blog, I definitely will try my best to maintain that :)
    Stay blessed mashisha <3

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